Essay #1
REVISION
The goals that I want to accomplish of this first revision of my first essay are the transitions of my paragraphs to blend in with the next paragraphs, accomplishing that would make the reader want to read the next paragraph and finally finish my essay. I also still want my vivid detail to show the reader through words the picture that is being described about the experience I went though. My audience is possibly my fellow church members and my English teacher.
The Week of Gratitude
After hurricane Katrina devastated over 850,178 housing units, my Presbyterian church was asked to go and help our friends in need in D’Iberville, Mississippi. Without hesitation I gladly put myself up for the mission. I had been a part of many various Work Camps that took place in Richmond and Petersburg, Virginia with my church youth group. So I thought that this particular mission trip would be pretty much the same as any of the other Work Camps in Virginia. It ended up being a experience in my life that I would never forget.
When our youth group had driven the 14 hours it took to get to D’Iberville, we had been put in “crews” that were used to divide the workers into each of the houses they were going to be working at throughout the week. My crew was number three and I had never seen any of these people before in my life. Before every Work Camp, I always get so anxious about meeting my crew and wondering if they will talk to me, or even if we all would be able to get the jobs done. When we had our first crew meeting, everyone was quiet and wondering what everyone else was thinking. I could see the expression of anxiousness, fear, and even hopefulness in their faces as we sat quiet in our chairs. I also saw the name tags that the Work Camp staff had given each person. The names of my fellow crew mates were: Sally, Amanda, Rob, Eric, Tim, and Nathan. I was the only person from Pennsylvania. Everyone else from the crew was from Mississippi, so I felt a little out of place. But I knew after that first crew meeting I was going to see and experience a lot of new and exciting things.
My first-day at my resident’s house was full of team work and surprises. Usually on the first-day all of the crew members interact with the resident and get to know him or her better so we are able to help not only by fixing the house, but most importantly, by listening to the resident and how he or she overcame their obstacles. My resident had been living in Mississippi all of her life. Her name was Cindy. I could tell from seeing how she carried herself that she was the type of person who had a sense of pride like I had never seen before. She showed me all of the photo albums that she had made that weren’t destroyed by the hurricane. I saw all of her family members, all of her crazy times in college and mainly most of her life. She had told me that many of her photo albums that had her children in them couldn’t be salvaged from the hurricane. After she told me that, she started to cry. She couldn’t hold in the emotion anymore than any one of us could. I saw the pain and frustration that she had to deal with in those few moments when she changed from confidence to uncertainty and vagueness. It actually scared me to see the look on her face when she was crying. Her whole world had been taken away in a matter of hours from the hurricane. I couldn’t even imagine what I would have done in her situation. I definitely can see her as a hero to me and to the people in my crew.
Another thing that my crew members and I had done was take at least a million pictures of the devastation so we could go home and try to explain what the people were going through in Mississippi. I had taken pictures of the houses before we had fixed them and also after pictures to show the improvement that was done for the family. We all knew that the pictures wouldn’t be able to capture the hurt and pain that we had seen but they were able to tell a story of someone who was in dire need of help.
The last day our crew was at my resident’s house was a really emotional one. In the morning we were having fun painting all over each other and just taking our time so we could stay longer with our resident. After we were done messing around, she came out and we could see the look on her face. It was something that I will never forget seeing. She was so thankful for all of the work we had done on her house. The kitchen floor was fixed, the bathroom walls were painted, and various other improvements are what she saw. We showed her the finish product, and she started to cry. She kept saying how we would never know how much this has helped her and her family and how she can see that each of us really do care about her and her family. Once I saw her crying, I started to cry, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. This whole experience was extremely emotional, from both spectrums of feelings.
Once I went back home to Pennsylvania, something about me had changed. Not just because I went to Louisiana for my first time, but something bigger and more meaningful. My parents had just built a deck around my pool and it was finished by the time I came back home from Work Camp. Once I got all of my stuff put away from my suitcase into the washer, I went outside to see the new deck. I was sitting on it when all of a sudden I started thinking about how there is no way that any of the victims could ever even dream of having a pool with a brand new deck around it. I took so many things in my life for granted, even simple things as running water and sewage. I started crying as I saw the new two by fours freshly put in place by screws and nails, how the moonlight hit the water in my pool just right so I could still see the reflection of me crying and as I finally let myself see how people needed to appreciate what they have.
I definitely think that I improved my transitions better in this revision. I read it over again and it made more sense to be to take that one segment out and I replaced it with a transition that would make the reader want to read more of the essay just after the first paragraph.
The question that I want to ask is how I would be able to use this story to help me realize that I need to use more genres in my writing?
I want to accomplish the connection between the information that I give in my essay and the reader. I want the reader to understand how the picture was used as a purpose of writing. This writing serves as a story in the life of Kylie and shows how vision had helped to understand the various obstacles hurricane Katrina victims had gone through. This type of writing is narrative. The audience for this particular essay is my English teacher.
Picture
After hurricane Katrina devastated over 850,178 housing units, my Presbyterian church was asked to go and help our friends in need in Louisiana, Mississippi. Without hesitation I gladly put myself up for the mission. I had been a part of many various Work Camps that took place in Richmond and Petersburg, Virginia with my church youth group. So, I thought that this particular mission trip would be pretty much the same as any of the other Work Camps in Virginia. Was I wrong in stating that? I had used my vision and my sense of sight as a main factor that explained the hardship and struggle that these people went through in their daily lives in Louisiana, Mississippi.
When our youth group had driven the 14 hours it took to get to Louisiana, we had been put in “crews” that were used to divide the workers into each of the houses they were going to be working at throughout the week. My crew was number three and I had never seen any of these people before in my life. Before every Work Camp, I always get so anxious about meeting my crew and wondering if they will talk to me, or even if we all will be able to get the jobs done that we need to do for our residents. When we had our first crew meeting everyone was quiet and wondering what everyone else was thinking. I could see the expression of anxiousness, fear, and even hopefulness in their faces as we sat quiet in our chairs. I also saw the name tags that the Work Camp staff had given each person. The names of my fellow crew mates were: Sally, Amanda, Rob, Eric, Tim, and Nathan. I was the only person from Pennsylvania. Everyone else from the crew was from Mississippi, so I felt a little out of place. But I knew after that first crew meeting, I was going to see and experience a lot of new and exciting things.
My first day at my resident’s house was full of team work and surprises. Usually on the first day all of the crew members interact with the resident and get to know them better so we are able to help not only by fixing the house, but most importantly, by listening to the resident and how they overcame their obstacles. My resident had been living in Mississippi all of her life. Her name was Cindy. I could tell from seeing how she carried herself that she was the type of person who had a sense of pride like I had never seen before. She showed me all of the photo albums that she had made that weren’t destroyed by the hurricane. I saw all of her family members, all of her crazy times in college and mainly most of her life. She had told me that many of her photo albums that had her children in them couldn’t be salvaged from the hurricane. After she told me that, she started to cry. She couldn’t hold in the emotion anymore than any one of us could. I saw the pain and frustration that she had to deal with right in those few moments when she changed from so confident in that everything was going to be fine, to a totally different personality of uncertainty and vagueness. It actually scared me to see the look on her face when she was crying. Her whole world had been taken away in a matter of hours from the hurricane. I couldn’t even imagine what I would have done in her situation. I definitely can see her as a hero to me and to the people in my crew.
Another thing that my crew members and I had done was take at least a million pictures of the devastation so we could go home and try to explain what the people were going through in Mississippi. I had taken pictures of the houses before we had fixed them and also after pictures to show the improvement that was done for the family. We all knew that the pictures wouldn’t be able to capture the hurt and pain that we had seen but they were able to try to tell a story of someone who was in dire need of help.
The last day our crew was at my residents’ house was a really emotional one. In the morning we were having fun painting all over each other and just taking our time so we could stay longer with our resident. After we were done messing around, she came out and we could see the look on her face. It was something that I will never forget seeing. She was so thankful for all of the work we had done on her house. The kitchen floor was fixed, the bathroom walls were painted, and various other improvements are what she saw. We showed her the finish product, and she started to cry. She kept saying how we would never know how much this has helped her and her family and how she can see that each of us really do care about her and her family. Once I saw her crying, I started to cry, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. This whole experience was extremely emotional, from both spectrums of feelings.
Once I went back home to Pennsylvania, something about me had changed. Not just because I went to Louisiana for my first time, but something bigger and more meaningful. My parents had just built a deck around my pool and it was finished by the time I came back home from Work Camp. Once I got all of my stuff put away from my suitcase into the washer, I went outside to see the new deck. I was sitting on it when all of a sudden I started thinking about how there is no way that any of the victims could ever even dream of having a pool with a brand new deck around it. I took so many things in my life for granted, even simple things as running water and sewage. I started crying as I saw the new two by fours freshly put in place by screws and nails, how the moon light hit the water in my pool just right so I could still see my reflection of me crying and finally letting myself see how people needed to appreciate what they have.
I think that I could have stayed on topic a little better and that I could have maybe connected with the reader by using stronger words for emotion to get my point across. I did think about my audience in that I wanted them to understand my experience through the picture that I have.
One question I would like to ask is how could I have used different words instead of using the word of all the time?
